Horror II

Horror film survival guide:


Section 1
How to survive in a Sci-Fi film:

First of all, if you live on a farm, now would be the correct time to move…NOW
Don’t eat anything that looks even remotely strange.
If objects start to glow or give off an aroma of some sort that is other-worldly to your nostrils, don’t touch, consume, or give to children.
The possession of a special talent or power will make people come after you, so keep it on the DL.
At anytime during the movie you feel a certain disturbance in your stomach, get away from populated areas.
Attention, spaceships are not to look at, they do shoot lasers and have a tracter beam.
Those beautiful women that keep showing up, the perfect ones, yea they aren’t real, they will kill you.


Section 2
How to survive in a Slasher film:

Histories of mental corruption or of family members doing bad deeds will come back to haunt you, seek medical help or disown yourself
Get rid of all the knives in your kitchen
When a friend starts to act strange, have bags under their eyes, or take a strange liking of walking around the woods at 4 in the morning, it would be wise to get as far away from that person as possible
Never, ever say whose there and then go looking for the source of the sound if your home alone, you will always die…always
Bad dreams? See a shrink! And take caffeine pills!
Wear protective led body armor, they always go for the chest first.
Panicking is bad, but when you wake up from being unconscious and you hear a little voice go “hello, I want to play a game.”…that would be a good time to panic.


Section 3
How to survive in a monster film:

Houses upon hills that make strange noises are not good places to go
Transylvania, for most, is an unwise choice to build your vacation home.
You thought your quacky professor was really quacky, well wait till you see what he does at home…or better yet…don’t.
A note for young ones: when your out playing and you notice a large green being approaching, don’t go up and ask him to play with you.
Don’t go outside when it’s a full moon, and if you do, carry a silver rod with you.
Ingesting odd objects is harmful not only to you but to society as a whole.


Section 4
How to survive in a Supernatural film:

When things cant be explained, don’t be stupid and go and try to figure it out…bad idea
Not remembering what you did the day before usually is a very bad sign…you’ve just contracted schizophrenia…congratulations!
Always build new houses…never move into a 50 year old house and never ever move into a castle
Catholic priests…news flash…when a woman runs up to you requesting an exorcism, just ignore her and keep on doing communion
Burn all Ouija boards…no exceptions
Dig in your back yard just to make sure your house isn’t built over a grave yard



Section 5
How to survive in a Thriller film:

Go find someone else…quickly…this guide doesn’t know much about thrillers…except to keep your kids away from them!